This post is dedicated to a friend who know exactly who I'm refering to. It is a post of apology to this particular friend, and to other will-be-friends, I'd like to post this as a warning - choose your friend carefully!
I am not a person who speak nice words. Maybe I do once in a while. However, my words are very poisonous at times (most of the time). I'm well-known as a pessimistic person an as such, I tend to project out missiles of doubt and pessimism particularly at my friends and the closer you are, you will definitely receive more blows.
Hereby, I declare that I never meant to hurt anyone's feeling. Just that when we are friends, I tend to be very straightforward (plus pesimist). Therefore, I tend to say words such as it is impossible to do this and that which is merely my own pessimistic thought whereby I place myself in your shoes and imagine how I would fare if I were you (and being a pessimist, of course I can't imagine myself faring any good at all).
Yet, maybe I over-estimated friendship sometimes. Maybe you aren't ready to see me without my mask. Maybe you just aren't ready to face the ugly me. Maybe I over-estimated how well you would accept my ugliness. Perhaps I was too optimistic at the moment. Guess I shouldn't have. Then, you won't be scared by the ugly me.
People take a long time to understand me. I'm a person who say discouraging words (yes, discouraging). If another friend of mine sees this, she will know what I meant. I discouraged her about her dreams. She wanted to make life better with law. I think that is impossible (I always think things are impossible). She protested and insist on her dream. I should be angry at this right? She's going against me! Yet, I'm happy. She had her own stand. Although I say discouraging words, deep inside, I hope she would succeed. The reason I tell her all the negative outcome of the dream is to prepare her in case things really go wrong (which hopefully won't).
I don't believe in giving others hope too high beyond the heaven. This is because when they lose the wings of hope one day, they will fall down from too high above that they will break too great it may be irreversible. I discourage but my friends will have to stay strong. I don't want them to get over confident. I don't want them to be unprepared for the consequences if they fail. Yet, maybe none of my friends see this. They probably see me as a machine that feeds on others' crushed dreams.
Although I lack the dream of my own, I don't feed on others' dream. It doesn't make me full. Instead, it makes me feel like vomitting. You have a very great dream. You wish that I'd prepare you a ladder to support you. To help you get up and reach your goal. However, I'm afraid you might fall down. You have climbed up too high. The impact if you fall is too much for anyone to bear. So, instead of making the ladder longer and support your way up, I break the legs of the ladder and make a bed below. I believe that you can always build the ladder longer again since you will do what you can to reach your dream. As for me, I'll keep on breaking the legs, to make a bed, safe enough to save you if you ever fall. I don't want to make the ladder higher and higher. If you fall one day, I won't have enough time to build the bed. Then you would come crashing down and there goes everything.
I'm sorry. I know you wanted people to support you. But, I'd rather stay back and prepare for the worse. If you are to success, I'd be there to congratulate you bu if you were to fail, I'd still be there to stay by your side. Maybe that's not what you want. Maybe you don't want the second option. Maybe you don't waant to hear the word fail. However as you had said to me before, you need to be able to face failure to meet success.
If you want to end the friendship here because I can't support you and help you reach high, then there is absolutely nothing I can do. I don't like giving too much hope especially to a friend of mine. I'd rather my friends stay safe than achieving their dreams by sacrificing their life. I know you have a noble dream and you need help getting up there. Maybe... you should leave me behind in this journey, since I'll always be there, breaking the legs of the ladder making beds to cathch you if you fall. So, you'd probably find someone who will lengthen the ladder and leave me behind to prevent futher breaking of the legs, so that you can reach your dreams faster.
I'm really sorry I wasn't of any help. The positive you felt from me was probably an illusion. You should look for others willing to support you. I don't mind being left behind but don't destroy the half-made bed I had prepared. Bring it with you as a token of friendship we ever had and may it be able to break your fall if that ever happens. I wish you all the best and may you be able to reach your dreams. I hope you would not forget this friendship but even if you do forget, there is nothing I can do.
So, for those out there who wants to be my friend, think twice. If you can't handle discouragement, leave before I break the legs of your ladder.
Sorry and thank you for writing this.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say after reading this post. I am so ashamed of myself. I should have noticed that you are supporting me, even though not in a way how I wanted it to be. You supported me in your own way. Yet, I failed to understand it.
You are right, maybe you overestimated me. You thought I really understand you, but I haven't.
You said your words are poisonous. But I think what I said last night was beyond poisonous. That’s why people named me, “The most poisonous snake”.
I might have broken your heart, put off your trust on "friend" and shaved off your confidence.
How could I have said things like that? End our friendship? It really is shame on me.
I think I’ve just found out the reason why I failed the 1st time.
I believed only the things on the bright side and refused to even admit that things have dark sides too.
I trusted the light so much that I followed it blindly. The light was so warm and I felt everything was on the right path. I didn’t expect the ladder to have any broken steps on it at all. Unfortunately, I stepped on one and I fell. I fell heavily. So heavily that I have lost myself, my spirit, my confidence and most importantly my ego.
So, all this while, I was trying to look for friends who can "support" me, friends who speak only the nice words and not the truths, and friends who serve to build my ego up...
Is that really the kind of friend I need?
*Breath out* No!
I am very ambitious, wishful and can be unrealistic sometimes. I need someone to pull me back to the reality. That’s the kind of friend I need. A friend who never gives false hope. A friend who warns me of my overconfidence . A friend who provokes me to fight harder to prove him wrong. A friend who build net to catch me when I fall. You fulfilled all.
You said you are wearing a mask. I am wearing one too. But you didn’t notice that, did you?
I said I sense positive energy from you that was why I chose to be close to you. I lied.
I chose to be close to you because you scored 3.84 in STPM. I chose to be close to you because I want people to think that I am as clever even though I’m not. I am using you!! If there is another one who scored 4.00 I would have left you and gone for him. It makes me no different from people who try to be close to you just because he wants to copy your homework.
Do you see that now? Who’s the ugly one? Who’s the selfish one?
I have seen what’s behind your mask today. I see beauty.
Finally, I think I don’t have the right to end the friendship. You did nothing wrong. The person who did wrong was me. I betrayed your trust. I failed to understand you and hurt you with my words. The choice is on you.
I know you are not good at making decision, however, I really wish you can think about this seriously for this 2 weeks and value me if I’m the right person for you to be friend with.
We are going to start over new again when school reopens if you have decided that we can still be friends. Maybe this incident will bring us even closer to each other.
If you have decided the ending to be another way, I would like to say…. “it’s been sweet to be your friend for the past 2 months and thank you for everything”.
Oh… I really hate reading your post. Haha. I have sensitive tear ducts.
Thank you for what happened last night.
ReplyDeleteIt was shocking. However, if that didn’t happen, I won’t be able to understand how you felt when I first said those things to you.
Everything happened last night was like a scene-replay except the roles of the characters have been reversed. Even the words used were similar.
I said you crushed my hope; last night you said I crushed your confidence. I tried to explain and apologize that I didn’t do it on purpose, just like how you tried to make me understand how you didn’t mean to crushed my hope. The way you shut me down last night reminded me of how I shut you down in the first place in MSN.
Things didn’t end after we stopped the heated conversation on the phone via messages. I felt a great rush of all kind of emotions – confused, sad, angry and hurt.
Books were on the table, pen in my hand, eyes on the lines of words but not a single knowledge had sunk into my head. I couldn’t study the whole night. My mind was totally occupied by the feelings.
Suddenly, I realized that it must be really awful for you too when I said you crushed my hope and suggested to end the friendship the other day.
You probably couldn’t focus on things that you were doing at that time because you were feeling what I felt last night – everything came in all of a sudden and the emotions were all tangled.
You haven’t forgiven me for what I did to you. I know that. Even you have tried to convince yourself that you have forgotten what happened on Monday (6/9) and reply my messages every night, deep inside you still are angry at me.
I understand. You have the right to be angry.
The Justin I know for two months isn’t someone who will get angry over something people did unintentionally. You weren’t angry at what I said about you or your belongings last night. You were still angry at me, for what I have done to you earlier.
We are in friendship crisis!!
Do you know what Lee Tat Kong would do in situation like this? The old me would probably stop talking to you, treat you like enemy and avoid seeing you anywhere for the next three years in USM. I did that to 2 of my best friends in secondary school for 3 years (since form 1 to form 3) over some small matters. Now when I recall that, I think that was really stupid, childish and immature. It was okay. I was still a kid back then.
But Estevan will do it differently. I will wait for forgiveness because to end a friendship just because some misunderstandings or some unintentional words that hurt a friend, that’s really not worth it. I can’t pretend stupid, childish or immature because I’m no longer a kid.
Don’t just remember how I hurt you. Please remember the two months that we have spent together - the time we first met, the time we walked to class together, the time we went to tesco together, the time we studied together, the time we ate together and the time we laughed together… I didn’t fake those “together” moments.
For anything that is going to happen next, I wish you to know this - being able to get to know a friend like you is the best thing that has happened to me for this entire year.
Maybe what happened on the previous weeks and this week have made you think that I am not so much a friend you want to hang out with anymore. After this I might have to eat alone again at peak hours, walk to class and sit alone, study alone, watch my collection of DVDs alone. Everything will go back to the very beginning where nobody will share or understand the joke when I say “I will visit tasik aman tonight”. I really don’t wish that to happen.
I will still be there when you have decided to forgive me. The door to DSM will always be open whenever you feel like coming back.
Guess we are almost even now after last night’s incident. We both hurt each other.
I know things will be different after this. However, I am sure we can mend things back together.
Think about it.