Amazing~

Last night, I went to a performance. It was amazing. everyone is so talented. They must have put in a lot of effort. I'm touched by the performance. I actually feel like sheding tears. Guess the frozen heart is melting. Hahahaha.... It was really amazing. I can't express them in words. One would have to see on their own to know.

But,the thing is that.... it somehow created a feeling of sadness as well.... Sad that I had never did anything to find what I could ever do other than stare at the computer screen or stare at books. Seeing all those make me remember that I'm not untalented *not* because I wasn't given the chance to discover if I had any, but it was because of my fear of failure, I had declined all the chance. I pushed them all aside. It was a silly thing to do. But that's what I've been doing all along.

Even if I'm given the chance now, I'd still decline. I still can't find the courage to face failure. Unless I see that there is absolute victory, I don't dare take a step forward. And as such, I never left this spot I'm in. I've been staying here in my comfort zone, not able to step out due to the fear of whatever I might face out there. I fear many things. I admit that. I fear the seen, the unseen, the known, the unknown, I basically fear anything. Still, I can brave myself walking through the dark alley even with the fear of ghost or robber or buglar or anything else. The thing I can't brave myself to do is to go against the authority even if they are wrong and to face failure. Those are the things I fear most.

Many people tell me, there is no reason to fear anything because there is God. God will not give us obstacle more than we could ever overcome. They said, there shouldn't be fear of failure as failure is the mother of success. They said, God made us equal, as long as we understand that, we do not need to feel inferior. I know all that. It's not like I'm ignorant to them. The thing is I can't just base on those change my life, the way I feel, the way I act. I'm too much a person with a high sense of pride - very bad part of me, that I can't change.

I'd like to be less prideful, I know with that I'd be able to go further. I need to be able to face failure but prideful me protest. I can't fail. That will hurt my pride. I still can't let go of that stupid pride even after so many years I realise it's existence. I'm such a failure in the first place being controled by pride and yet I can't release myself from it. Maybe it's true what people say that it's not that I can't escape, it's that I didn't try escaping. I'm afraid of escaping. I'm failure....

I don't think I could continue this anymore.... My mind is a whole piece of mess. At least I manage to finish this week's homework, but without the knowledge whether they are correct since I'm doing them in this state of mentality. I guess it is time to stop pondering. I should go on. Whether or not I can escape, it depends a whole lot on me, and I don't know if I could escape, maybe I will one day.... hopefully....