So, here it is again, another one of my birthday. Oh, my birthday was yesterday, not today. Birthdays... ought to be days of happiness right? Why then do I sound like I ain't? Well, not that I ain't. My birthday wasn't perfect, I think no one's birthdays were. Anyway, birthdays remind me of sad things sometimes. Probably, especially this year. But before that, I'll go way back to my secondary school years...
I had a friend, actually more of an acquaintance, back then. He is super playful. He liked playing prank on others.Well, he once played a prank on me when there was no teacher in the class. So, being the quick tempered person I was (I still am actually, but my best friend said I'm better, so I take that as I'm not so quick tempered anymore, maybe from the speed of jet to airplane), I exploded. I came up of my seat and chased after him around the classroom, wild, not like what others would have thought of me, because I'm usually more quiet and reserved. Soon enough, I got tired(I lack stamina) and got even more angry at that point. I stopped at his seat, grabbed his water bottle and proceeded to chase after him and in the end poured the water at him, it missed thought, I'm such a noob. Anyway, after that event, I've never ever talked to him ever again(no that day wasn't my birthday). I ignored his existence. He was obviously shocked by my action but there wasn't anything he could have done to repair the situation because I was known as the worst tempered person in the class - once I exploded, no one can make me smile again for the rest of the day. So, this lasted for sometime(it wasn't forever, I may have a rotten heart but there are still fresh blood flowing in it). On my next birthday, I was given the chance to invite my friends to my birthday party. So, I distributed the invitation. I invited quite a lot of my friends back then because I think everyone is so nice to me. I... gave him one. I didn't give it to him directly though. I'm egoistic, so when I declare someone as enemy, I won't easily say 'I forgive you, come to my party' or something like that, so instead, I placed the invitation on his table. He looked delighted. Since that day onward, he became extra nice to me. Anyway, that's that. Now back to a more recent time - last year.
I had another friend... which I considered a best friend after just a short period of time knowing each other. We had quarrels multiple times. It's so numerous that it's impossible to even count. The night before my previous birthday, we had an extreme quarrel, it left me very unhappy, he chose to make me angry on such a day. Anyway, the next day I showed up as if nothing happened. Of course, there was something happening, I'm just trying not to lose temper again and again. Anyway, throughout the rest of the year we had more quarrel. Anyway, in the end, he got fed up. I had too bad a temper. He can't stand it anymore. So, we lose connection. We became strangers. I did ask for forgiveness just to repeatedly exploded again after forgiven. So, the next time I apologized, he refused to forgive me. Fine, so that marks the end. And this time it really is the end. This year, during my birthday, I'm thinking, I forgave a friend long ago during my birthday, it's like his wish coming true instead of mine on my birthday(maybe mine too, I didn't want to have enemies, I care about every one of my friends although I could be very mean in my speech to them sometimes, sort of my nature to be sarcastic and poison-tongued). This year however, I can't fulfill my wish... maybe it just was never meant to be... We'll stay strangers for the rest of my life here in this University. For another 1.5 years we'll pretend we don't know each other every time we meet each other... Anyway... This taught me a good lesson. A friend can easily be lost. And once lost, might never be found again. I still have a bad temper(can't help it, I'm bad at controlling), but I'm trying as much as possible not to simply explode on any of my current friends. Anyway, over this ~8 years time, my 1st actual best friend I ever had, still remain as my friend despite all those I've done, I'm really grateful. You must have suffered a lot with my bad temper. Thank you.
How would a person feel when you said you are sorry for the hurt that you have caused and the person forgive you just to find out that you would do it again? And then again. Does that apology mean anything then? Say what you mean and mean what you say.
ReplyDeleteIt's really comfortable to use "I can't control it" or "that's me!" as your shield everytime. Nothing can't be changed if you are willing to try hard enough.
A friend is lost, when he/she is dead or else, you would still have the chance to have that friend back. But that depends on how deeply you value the friendship. Is your ego worth more than the frienship?
I would have expected you woudn't take any action after reading this except maybe get angry or have heavy mood swing. If what I have expected is true, then you really haven't changed a bit (not like what you friend said).
But if I am wrong. Congratulation, you are really different now.