Recall the sad moments....

Well, since I came here to USM, I had only being tired and stressed and worried about my new life that I have left the sadness just before I reach here almost forgotten(not totally but almost). Well, lets recall(why recall sadness? Because I can't let go). The death that occurs one after the other that I mentioned before I came here to USM... It didn't just end like that. Since the next death was on the day I travelled here and thus had no access to the net, I didn't post about it. It was the death of someone nearer than the previous deaths - it was my grandmother. Her sickness was to bad, she left us on the very day I left for USM. It was on the 1st of July.... I can still remember the date very well.... I hoped that once July starts, every sad things will end, but on the very first day of July, she left us - and I can't attend the funeral. I hope she doesn't mind that - I'm heading to further my studies. Why did all this sad feeling re-emerge? I had a long chat with a friend last night - talked about the past and all that... It brings back many sad memories(not that there aren't any good ones...just that the bad ones are quite a lot...). I can't believe all of those things happened back then. So, many things had happenned in my life. At first I resort to hiding my emotions. I became an emotionless man. I try to hold back all my emotions. I pretend to be someone else. I wear a "mask" wherever I go. I was never me. But as time passes by, I can't hold back anymore. The emotions flow out like Tsunami! I have turned out to be a very emotional person. I realised that I lack EQ up to a very devastating level. I'm at the verge of losing my EQ completely. I still wear that "mask" but I take it off more often than I did before. When life is great, I take it off but that rarely does occur but at least I occurs more than it used to. Anyway, now that I'm in USM, I start to wear the it more again. I revert back to the "masked man." I have an issue in trust. I lack the trust in others. So, I wear "mask" in front of them. There are times though that I take it off when I think I can trust them. I tried not to doubt others too much but I'm just afraid. I fear betrayal. Betrayal is a scary thing to me. That is why I don't generally trust anyone, so that my trust will not be betrayed. However, I do put quite a lot of trust on some people, and now I'm starting to feel the fear. What if it end up that they betrayed my trust? What will I do? I'm scared. I'm so lonely in life because I can't seem to trust people. I trust very few people and it is hard to meet up with people that you trust when their amount is less than the number of fingers on a hand. It's turning me into a recluse. I'm so sad... Why does this have to happen on me? I'm scared... very scared... The people amounting less that 5, if they betray me, who else can I rely on? I'm so hopeless.... Haiz... (Complaining non stop again. Sorry, emo a bit out of a sudden)